The Impatients

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

~Mark Twain

For some inexplicable reason, society has determined that the moment we achieve some identifiable measure of success (however you – or, rather, they – choose to define that word), it’s time to sit us down, smile (there’s always a smile), and break out one of a giant list of questions guaranteed to provoke anxiety, gritted teeth, and, ultimately, depression. Not to mention robbing us of any positive feelings we might have gained from our achievement. Friends do it, and family members, in particular, love to do this. Those questions are tiny ice pick stabs at our happiness, designed to make us wobble on our ladder and doubt our confidence.

And we fall for it every time!

Perhaps you just got engaged, and you’re bubbling with happiness and excited. Suddenly, you’re walloped with the question of when you’ll have your first child, or even how many children you’ll have. You haven’t walked down the aisle yet, but people are signing you up for college funds and planning baby showers! Maybe you and you’re significant other have talked about this, but maybe you haven’t – doesn’t matter since there’s still planning a wedding and a ceremony to survive first! Funny as it sounds, I didn’t even escape this one myself, despite the fact that people knew I couldn’t have children – oh, no, because adoption exists (insert the sound of my head striking the desk here – it happened).

You got a bonus at work or a merit-based raise. Now everyone is demanding to know when you’ll get a promotion. Maybe what you do doesn’t even HAVE a way to be promoted (I really don’t – maybe super writer? Is that a thing? That would be so awesome), or the next step up isn’t even a position you’re interested in, but no one’s thought of that. They just took your bit of good news and dropped it into the toilet. They automatically assumed there was something better and shoved you forward, not bothering to ask your opinion.

Wow, thanks – love you, too.

The bank cleared your loan, approving you for a new car or your house, and you are over the moon; this is something you’ve been saving for and dreaming about. Yet all anyone can ask is when you’ll get your next car, or what your plans are for changing the house to sell it. No one’s excited about THIS car, and no one’s taking into consideration that this was your dream house. I was (and still am) floored by people who work and skrimp and save, and then use the words, “starter house.” Wait, what? You spent months agonizing and complaining about the money for something you’re planning to throw away? And you assume this is something everyone does? Buying a house is RIDICULOUS. I have no intention of doing so ever again. No, my house isn’t perfect, and, yes, there are long To Do lists for both the inside and outside, but that’s what I love about owning my own house – it’s mine and I get to MAKE it mine. My fiance’ and I (with my dad) spent the past two weekends enclosing the back porch, and it’s beautiful and we love it. I’ve painted all of the rooms inside, and my fiance’ has transformed the outside with his pocket gardens and landscaping. Why in the world would I want to just dump it to the curb after all of that work and money? (And, I’m sorry, but my car is getting driven until the damn thing falls apart)

People have trouble focusing on the moment, and they don’t like to celebrate with you – so they break out that list of questions to downplay your success. It hurts – I won’t deny that – but you can’t let them get to you and shake that ladder. Personally, I like turning a question back on them: Before I was engaged and I attended weddings, people loved to ask when I was going to get married – so I asked when they were planning to die. However, I recognize that that doesn’t work for everyone (seriously, though, when you’ve gained enough self-confidence to pull it off, they looks on their faces is so worth it). What does work is derailing the conversation right there – just change the subject (throw in an eye roll if you feel up to it).

Don’t give them the chance to stab at you!

If you steal the platform from under them, they’ll end up with no balance, not you. It’s your moment, after all – not theirs; own it and stake your claim. Redirect the conversation back to what matters and let them flounder in your wake. Eventually, they’ll realize that they’re not going to win. Time is so fleeting, and people rush around so much these days; force them to sit down, breathe, and really listen to what you’re saying. The people that genuinely love you will appreciate that you did so in the long run. And the people that don’t will get bored and wander off (and you don’t need them around anyway).

Check the Fertilizer

Wasn’t exactly intentional, but I’ve stumbled onto a theme this month concerning dreams and goals, and this post circles around that same concept. When you sit down and start to figure out how to break down your dream into goals, it’s natural to look around at the people you love and admire – especially if they’re successful and living their personal dreams. It makes sense, too, since they’ve achieved a lot of their goals and climbed higher on their ladders than you. I’m not saying this is a bad idea by any stretch. The problem comes in when you start to compare and contrast them against yourself.

The grass is greener on the other side for a reason.

You are NOT that person. The two of you don’t have the same pedestals, don’t have the same ladders, and you aren’t even standing on the same level ground. Comparing yourself to them is going to start a round of self-defeating thoughts and behavior that will guarantee one thing: you aren’t going anywhere. You don’t know how many goals they’ve checked off the their list to get where they are today. How many sacrifices have they made? How much work have they invested? What kind of commitment are they putting in every single day? And how long have they been at things? You’re not even at DAY ONE – expecting brilliance is asking too much of anyone (not even superheroes save the world on their first day).

Yes, they make it look easy, and it’s depressing. When you reach that stage, you’ll get to depress everyone watching you from the ground floor – so there’s that to look forward to (don’t make that a goal, please). As soon as you sit down and FOCUS on what steps you’ll need, you’ll figure out it isn’t easy and gain some perspective. Whatever the dream is that you’re chasing down, there’s work involved that demands your attention, blood, sweat, and tears. Nothing that requires those things is easy. Anyone that tells you differently is selling something – usually at a steep price.

Are there people out there willing to sneer down at you from their ladder? Of course – people are shit. They live to make you feel bad because they aren’t secure on their own journey. Maybe they didn’t plan very well and are stuck without a new rung to go to. Maybe they realized what they were chasing wasn’t their dream (NEVER follow someone else’s dream!). Or maybe they’re just an asshole – those people do exist out there. Yeah, they’re standing above you, but if they aren’t doing any work, you need to stop and think before you try to compare yourself to them.

Sometimes the grass is green because it’s full of shit.

Is it hard to stop comparing yourself with the successful people around you? Of course it is. I spent years hearing my parents tell everyone who would listen about my sister being the only one in the family who used her college degree (newsflash – I’m not using any of my degrees). I watched my brother move up through the ranks of his military career (you get medals there, too). Then my other brother got a job where he was PAID to go to movies and got free tickets to ComicCon – I mean, come on! Meanwhile, I was sitting in a career that didn’t really offer advancement and wasn’t exactly thrilling me – yay.

I was embarrassed, I was depressed, and I avoided family functions whenever possible so I didn’t have to admit that I was a pathetic nothing in comparison to my fabulous – younger – siblings. It took me YEARS to realize that my siblings didn’t feel they were any better (or worse) than me, nor was there really any comparison. None of us are even in the same REALM as one another when it comes to our dreams and goals!

Comparison can get your nowhere – FAST!

What I DID finally get was a blueprint for my own success: I stopped being an idiot and realized what I wanted to do with my life. I thought over how my sister followed what she wanted to do – I could do that (and I have). I looked at how my brother has continued to pursue his dreams despite all of the changes in his life – hell, I could do that (and I am). I admired my other brother’s commitment and constant genuine self – yeah, I could do that (and I figured out how to). I picked out the RIGHT comparison to get myself moving forward, instead of continuing to stagnate.

Pick out the elements of those people you admire and decide how they benefit you. If they don’t, dismiss them and move on. If those people look down on you – get rid of them, because you don’t need that kind of negativity. Compare, don’t contrast; you can find the right model to help you adjust your goals and planning appropriately.

Remember: the only person you’re in a race with is you and where you were yesterday.

Write It, Mean it

“Aim higher in case you fall short.”

~Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

So we’ve set out our dreams, and we have that finish line clear in our minds. Odds are even fair that you have some goals in mind that will provide the rungs on the ladder you need to ascend the pedestal to achieve that dream (at least, I hope you aren’t one of those people sitting on the floor and expecting the dream to just fall in your lap). A reasonable checklist is perfect, and it breaks down the journey into manageable “bites” that makes that dream feel achievable. But there’s a critical problem people tend to forget when they set goals:

They leave those goals in their head.

I have a great memory (not bragging, just stating a clear fact), but even I lose things into a black hole at times. Guess which things are usually the first to go? Everything really important – like that super-important checklist of goals I worked so hard on. (You know that super-safe place you put things in and then promptly forget? Same concept) It’s self-sabotage at it’s best, and you end up shrugging and waving at your dream.

I’m not advocating you share your goals on social media, because I’m not – that’s stupid. Never share your goals with other people. People will sabotage you, too, especially if you start doing well. Share your goals AFTER you’ve accomplished them, when people can’t do anything to interfere. However, you have to get the checklist out of your brain and commit it to reality (not that I’m suggesting your brain doesn’t exist in reality, but…well, you get the idea).

Write your goals down!

Whether this means writing it out in a notebook, writing it across a whiteboard you keep in your work space, or even painting it across a wall – so long as it is printed out in your hand somewhere you can see it EVERY SINGLE DAY. What does this do? This wonderful concept called self-responsibility. It’s hard to avoid working on those goals if they’re staring you in the face day after day (seriously – can you avoid a cat or dog sitting in your face? No). Guilt will start to build up if you put things off, and it will drive you forward.

Plus, hello? Checklists!

How can you resist the lure of getting to mark off an empty checkbox? I certainly can’t! I love getting to put an X in that box, and it feels AMAZING. Even if it was for something simple (i.e., a work assignment), I get a shivery feeling of accomplishment. You get the same sense when you write out your goals and check off each step. Then you get to look back and see how far you’ve come – bonus feeling!

You create the ladder toward your own success, and you see your journey of accomplishment. It boosts your confidence, it boosts your sense of self, and it brings that dream within reach. With that checklist drifting around in your brain – a nebulous concept – you don’t have the same feeling. Did you come up with that step a month ago or yesterday? Did you remember to do that step yet? Did you think about how to break down that goal into individual parts? It’s just more difficult, and it can become more frustrating – to the point that you skip it entirely.

You want that dream – you know that – so sit down and write out how you’re going to get there. Write out every goal, every step you need to get there. Then make sure you can see those goals every day. Otherwise, your dream is going to stay on that pedestal forever, and you’re going to stay miserable.

Dream Out Loud

Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

Our dreams are one of the few things we don’t mind sharing with people. I’m not talking about our nightly dreams (though we often share those, as well – especially the weird ones); I’m referencing our dreams for our lives. I mean the dreams that follow the fateful words, “What I really want to do is…” The words are said in wistful tones, as if we feel they’re completely impossible.

NOTHING is impossible.

We conceived of those dreams – those GOALS – for a reason, and it wasn’t so we could stare longingly at them for eternity. You might have put that dream up on a pedestal, but somewhere, in the deep recesses of your mind, it was a finish line – ACHIEVABLE. No, it wasn’t necessarily achievable tomorrow or even next week, but marathons aren’t sprints (and I don’t run, anyway). Sure, people laughed or scoffed, but those hypocrites have their own dreams – they just didn’t tell you between their derision.

To quote Tangled: “Everyone has a dream.”

And you have two choices on what to do with that precious little star: you can continue to stare at it on the pedestal for the rest of your life (it’s a popular choice – plenty of people opt to do so), or you can pull up your britches and actually DO SOMETHING that carries you towards that finish line. Not many people choose that second option. Why would they? It involves work, it involves risk, and it’s scary as hell. Sitting on your butt and admiring the image of the dream from afar is much simpler, and there’s no chance involved. There’s also no gain, no achievement, and no satisfaction.

See where I’m going?

I sat in the former group for a long time. I was terrified of taking the step off the edge of the cliff, and I believed all of the detractors who scorned me. I’m an intelligent person, and I knew the odds of success – it wasn’t hard to accept my failure. Except that you ARE a failure when you don’t even try (fun little caveat). And I don’t accept failure – I’m not that kind of person. So I summoned every drop of courage, crept up to the very edge of the cliff, and got some encouragement to slide my foot off the edge (read that as one of friends THREW me off the cliff – and she didn’t check to ensure I had a parachute first, either).

Guess what happened?

I fell to the bottom of the chasm, mangled and bleeding.

Just kidding – I’m now working my dream job. My stress level has bottomed out (I’m not going to discuss the current quarantine stress – that’s separate), my health has improved, and my happiness has skyrocketed. I feel like MYSELF for the first time in eons, and my confidence has returned. All because I took the risk of standing up and deciding I wanted to follow that dream. I defied the naysayers, the odds, and my nagging doubts and took the chance on that glittering finish line.

Would I say I’ve achieved everything I dreamed of? Of course not, but that’s the beautiful thing about dreams – you get to keep dreaming. You get to keep moving that finish line further out and running towards it (okay, walking towards it – I’m still not going to run). The only person standing in your way is you.

So are you going to continue to stand there, or are you going to MOVE?